


The Total 180

by raven_aorla



Series: anchor and kaleidoscope [4]
Category: Saturday Night Live, Weekend Update (SNL)
Genre: Anderson Cooper is a Good Guy, Angst and Fluff, F/F, F/M, Fluff, Getting Back Together, Guilt, Humor, M/M, People Are Sometimes Simply Not Right For Each Other, Wedding Fluff, discussion of drug use
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-21 07:32:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,483
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15552735
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven_aorla/pseuds/raven_aorla
Summary: While in the early days of their marriage, Seth learns tidbits about the relationship he yanked Stefon away from.[Can be read solo.]





	The Total 180

Seth knows how he and Stefon fell apart the first time. 

_Stefon angry, genuinely angry to the point of shaking. “There’s a difference between giving you time to come to terms with your sexuality and letting you treat us like a joke forever and ever, Seth Meyers.”_

_“I’m sorry. Friends?” God, what a coward he was._

_Hands in front of face for a few seconds first, deep breath. “Maybe.”_

Seth knows how he and Stefon got back together. It’s _extremely_ public knowledge. He gave the camera guy who sprinted alongside him a huge tip when all was said and done. It was important for it to be public, to show Stefon he wasn’t ashamed anymore, that he didn’t care what anyone thought. Except for one person, of course.

What he doesn’t know is how Stefon ended up almost getting married to someone else between those two points, and how the bond was weak enough that Seth showing up and shouting Stefon’s name was enough to break it. He ends up learning the story over time, dribs and drabs.

***

“Your place or mine?” Seth asks as they speed away from the TV studio, still dizzy with the enormity of what he’s just done. He doesn’t regret it, though he’s got a gnawing awareness of some of the possible consequences.

Stefon’s neon grin falters for a second. He rubs his hand on Seth’s thigh like he’s trying to soothe himself rather than get his pants off. “Uh, I don’t, I don’t, like, have one anymore. Anderson invited me to move in with him pretty early on. I put a lot of my stuff in storage because it didn’t match his nice home.”

“How early?” Funny enough, Seth doesn’t feel jealous. It’s too obvious who’s won.

“After he saw mine. It was nice of him. I guess.”

“Are you okay?”

“He said he just wanted me to be safe. He had a point. I missed having my own space and posters and knick-knacks, though, gotta say.”

Seth thinks about the strange combination of wistfulness and guilt in Stefon’s voice. When he stops at a red light, he leans over to kiss Stefon on the cheek. “I’ve got a spare bedroom you’re free to turn into a fucked up den if you want. I’ve still got my no hard drugs policy, but if you still like playing with Legos while high, that should be…”

Stefon grabs Seth and kisses him so hard and so creatively that he not only almost misses the green light, but the pizza delivery driver on their left rolls down her window and catcalls them.

***

Thankfully, Stefon already left Bark Ruffalo with a friend to look after during his honeymoon. The morning after their reunion, Stefon drowsily hands Seth the friend’s business card, and flings his wallet vaguely towards the laundry basket out of confused instinct before rolling over in bed. Seth pets his hair while dialing the number. It’s not like Stefon didn’t wear him out too, but Seth is used to getting up before noon most days. 

J. Shiloh “Shy” Fittenfinder, Esquire, is loudly cheerful about handing Bark over to Seth in two weeks. Too loudly, given the champagne Seth and Stefon split last night (body shots may have been involved). “Bark and my dog Carnation love each other. But not, like, too much; they’re both fixed. We don’t have time for puppies. I have the parenting instincts of a jelly doughnut. You should get settled first! Screw each other’s brains out for a while without a care in the world; it’ll be swell. You do realize that declaring yourself married on the air was super cute but not legally binding, right? I can help you get something done quick and easy. I suggest no big party until Cooper chills out. He’s not that aggressive, but he is a lot richer than you are. I’m surprised their ceremony looked as restrained as it was on TV, given how his mom’s so…”

Seth refuses to relinquish his Stefon-induced haze enough to worry too much about Cooper’s possible retaliation. “Wait, you weren’t invited?”

“My girlfriend and I both were, but we told Stefon no. I read through the prenup Gloria’s lawyers made him sign and I really didn’t like Stefon being treated like a gold-digger right off the bat. Even if it wasn’t his fiance’s idea, which I dunno, Anderson should have stood up to Mommy.” Shy clears his throat. “You better invite us to whatever bash you put together, Meyers. I’ll wear a normal suit if it’ll make you more comfortable.” 

Seth doesn’t know what that means. But now Stefon is pawing vaguely - and interestingly - at him, so Seth just makes his promise and hangs up. 

***

Both of them aren’t sure how to go about asking Cooper for Stefon’s stuff back, but the awkwardness is resolved soon by TV and radio personality Andy Cohen asking to meet them for a drop-off in a nearby park.

“Is there any particular reason you’re making this resemble, like, a drug deal?” Stefon asks warily, poking through the two large cardboard boxes Cohen’s placed on the picnic table to see if everything’s there. Stefon’s outfit is currently sixty percent Seth’s - with a bit of eyeliner and a sparkly scarf to compensate for the resulting blandness - even though much of his wardrobe was in storage all along. Stefon says it’s the best alternative to skinning Seth and wearing him as a coat because he loves him so much. Seth agrees that alternatives are better, or at least easier to undo.

(He didn’t add that sometimes when Stefon looks especially adorable Seth wants to, somehow, eat him, which Amy says is not that weird a feeling, but certainly doesn’t give Seth the sanity high ground.)

Cohen is wearing designer sunglasses despite it being dusk, and he speaks with expansive gestures. “Maybe I thought it’d make you feel at home.”

“Oh haha, let’s make fun of Stefon when he tried really hard and did everything he was supposed to do in rehab,” Stefon says, putting on his best bitchface.

“You went to rehab?” Seth asks.

“Anderson paid. I wasn’t super into it at first, but I appreciated it by the end.” Stefon pulls out a book. “I think this one’s his, Andy.”

“He wants you to have it,” Cohen says. “That wasn’t fair of me. I know you did get clean.”

“That was a solid thing to do,” Seth says.

Cohen nods before addressing Stefon again. “He cares about you, you know. Despite everything. I don’t hate you, even if some people think I should, being one of his best friends.”

Stefon puts his hands in front of his face and raises his eyebrows. 

“I met him on a blind date, and we immediately realized we wouldn’t work. I wish you two had figured right when he bought you a drink after that story on a club you were promoting. But he’s a lot older and supposed to be wiser, and it’s more on him. In the long run, you would have broken his heart a lot worse if you’d gone through with it.” He holds out a hand for Stefon to shake. 

Face de-bitched, Stefon shakes it while his own hand is still buried in sweater sleeve. “Thanks. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry I let him get you swept up in his midlife crisis, kid. Give him space, and I think it’ll eventually work out for the best.” Cohen turns and shakes Seth’s hand, too. “Mazel tov. Invite me on your show sometime and we’ll call it square.”

“Deal.”

On the ride home, Stefon confesses, “I did eat some magic mushrooms the other night. It’s hard to say no to a girl dressed as Samara from _The Ring_ creeping around on the floor.”

“I’m not asking you to be perfect, but I want you to be healthier than you were when we met, because I love you and I want to be with you for years and years. Years that don’t involve doing time for possession, either,” Seth says. Some of the things Stefon has dabbled in would get more than a slap on the wrist and could have caused more than minor aches or a hilarious anecdote. After a pause, he adds, “Did she whisper creepily?”

Stefon curls out his tongue and touches the tip to his upper lip. “Honey, you know it.”

***

“He ate the same meal over and over for weeks on end,” Stefon says randomly when they’re deciding on lunch before their courthouse appointment. There’s a ton of little cafes and bistros on this block. “I didn’t have to, but I started to feel sick just watching it happen. Is that judgmental of me?”

“Nah,” Seth says, squeezing his hand.

Amy’s going to be one of their witnesses and she’s joined them already. She’s wearing the rainbow flower crown Stefon made her as thanks for her “emergency matchmaking”. “Do you guys watch CNN at all?”

“Noooooooo,” they chorus. Not anymore.

“BBC all the way, baby,” Stefon jokes, though some of the spring has gone out of his step.

Amy nods sagely. “Let’s get Lebanese.”

***

The reception, when they get around to having it, goes well. After several misunderstandings and/or freakouts on the part of Stefon’s more highly-strung friends, Josh Meyers starts wearing a sticker that says “NOT SETH, HIS BRO”. Seth’s parents were the ones who gave Seth his values and sense of humor in the first place, so their interactions with Stefon himself are fine, despite what some would think. Larry has a little trouble with not staring at DJ Baby Bok Choy, whose wounds from the angry wedding mob have thankfully healed.

For Seth, who adores his parents and brother, it’s saddening that David Zolesky is the only childhood family of Stefon’s to show up. They don’t look like each other at all. David is handsome in an entirely different way. Seth chats with him in a corner over squid ink cake and hot dogs cut to look like the squids from whence the ink came. The catering, as with everything else, had involved a lot of compromises to keep the proceedings quirky and free-spirited without traumatizing the more conventional guests. David tells Seth about his most recent screenplay, an indie film but one that sounds like a reasonable teen comedy.

Once they’ve gotten relaxed and chummy, Seth asks, “Did you know, growing up, that Stefon’s biological father was David Bowie?"

“Given how much fighting our parents did about it, I learned pretty quickly.” David sighs and takes a sip of punch. Seth hasn’t asked what’s in it, for fear that the process involves a little person being undignified. “I try to support his choices no matter what, but when I saw how he screamed your name I knew he’d be a fool not to run after you. I think you’re a lot more of a chill, accepting option for my bro than I thought he was gonna get.”

“Was the other guy good to him?” Seth has heard enough to know he must have been, but some part of him needs to hear it from David. Thinking of Stefon running into an outright bad relationship because of Seth’s mistakes, rather than simply a misjudged one, would make him feel much guiltier than he does now. 

“He was. But you gotta follow your heart, especially if your heart’s not like everyone else’s.” David snaps his fingers. “That’s it, that’s my leading woman’s catchphrase! Do you have pen?”

****

“Glad to hear he’s cleaned up his act a bit,” Jacked Beth tells Seth when it’s her turn to introduce herself at the reception. They’re both watching Stefon and Beth and Stefon’s son Hammie have a dance-off. Seth tried to say hi to Hammie earlier, but Hammie hid his face behind his hands in a familiar gesture and just stared at him with huge eyes. Stefon says that it’s not Seth’s fault that he’s not used to kids on a autism spectrum and just to be patient and adaptable, and eventually they’ll bond. Seth hopes he’s right. 

Jacked Beth is slightly terrifying. Turns out Stefon was barely exaggerating when he described her as seven feet tall with a voice as deep “as the mighty Mississippi”. Her red hair’s in a buzz cut, her biceps are as big around as Seth’s thighs, she’s wearing combat boots and a shark tooth necklace with a suit that makes her look like a bouncer, and she has the general air of being able to pick Seth up and snap him in half. The shovel talk would be superfluous. On the other hand, she’s watching her boy and old friend/accidental baby-daddy with a tender look of joy, and she blows a kiss at her petite Latina wife when she catches her eye from across the room. 

The bodybuilder also happens to be eating her fifth chicken breast since the buffet table opened. It’s training season. No paper plate or utensils, just with her hands while standing next to a potted plant in which someone has placed a posse of pretty plastic ponies. She continues, “I’m not totally surprised. He tried real hard to be on the level when we found out he’d knocked me up. Everyone made fun of us for how transparent we were, the girliest boy and butchest girl in high school going to prom together and seeing if we could, you know, ‘fix’ ourselves. He couldn’t help me much financially, but he stayed my friend. Said since I couldn’t drink, he shouldn’t be able to either. He wasn’t great with the baby, but he tried. His pal Joel tells me he partied way too hard for about six months after we moved away, like he was trying to fill up a hole. Well, clearly he was, but not like _that_.”

“I want to help however I can, too,” Seth says. He’d like kids of his own one day, though he hadn’t had the conversation with Stefon yet. Seth’s friend Alexi joked about being a surrogate for him the first time Seth confided in her about maybe liking men. She and Stefon hit it off when Seth dragged him on a double date to conventional tourist traps, for once. 

“I didn’t want Hammie to have a stepdad who was too famous,” Jacked Beth says between bites. “He doesn’t need the media attention. You’ve got a nice, kinda successful but kinda relatively mediocre TV career.”

Seth laughs. “Yay!”

***

“I missed you, Seth Meyers,” Stefon says during sex now, at least twice.

“I won’t let that happen again,” Seth always says back. 

***

Three years later, they run into the man himself at a red carpet event, impossibly endearing velvet-clad Stefon on Seth’s arm. Cooper’s with someone else. Older than Stefon, but hot. Cooper’s eyes slide with practiced neutrality over them, but his date catches Seth’s eye, nods, and winks.


End file.
